Friday, April 10, 2009

Oops...Big Oops

5pm at Islands of Adventure

BJ and Brandon are done with the Hulk ride and we agree to meet up at the Spider man ride. Alex wanted to ride this from the beginning but the line was too long 125 minute wait. By evening it had dropped to 90. We really enjoyed it. The seat hardly moves but all the simulation makes you feel like you are towering over large buildings, falling, getting splashed, feeling heat, and all along Spider man is helping you out - pretty cool stuff! Alex is not happy; I glance at everyones glee, but Alex looks scared. He shares that he did not like that ride; I guess he took all that simulation seriously.

I apologize to him and offer that we all get on the Popeye ride to take that bad memory away, before we head out of the park. We had a short wait on it previously, but technical difficulties forced it to temporarily shut down. This time we got there in 5 minutes. The entire way Alex is begging me not to get on, he doesn't want to get wet. I am insisting that he go so he can have this great exeperience as a family. He is crying and asking me why I am forcing him to get on. He would like to sit in the waiting area. I think it would be dangerous to leave him alone, so I drag him with us. I tell him that not everyone gets wet. Well, guess who gets soaked in cold water, at the end of the day, when the sun has pretty much decreased in heat? Yup Alex and me. I am sorry the entire ride and he is wailing, because we keep getting sloshed.

We all agree that I should have just listened to Alex. His sweatshirt and hat are dry, so his shirt comes off so he can get warmed up again. I ask him to forgive me and express my ignorance-I forgot how wet we really get on this ride, I thought it was only at the end. I practically tortured him.

I wondered why I didn't just listen to my boy. A couple of days ago I started listening to a CD called why I can't say no. Being a fixer and codependent describes who I have been much of my life and where it all began. I am striving to recognize the tendencies and put an end to it. The Lord doesn't want me to be the Holy Spirit. He is the only rescuer and fixer that operates without an ulterior motive-when I do it, its to meet a need in me. Laura Petherbridge (speaker from this past weekends retreat) was right-on in her assessment. I wanted Alex to feel better, so I was trying to create a better experience. This was a classic way, for God to show me that when I think, How can I get so and so to do this or that, or stop this or that behavior, I am trying to rescue to fulfill my selfish needs.

I have learned that codependence actually delays or prolongs the porblem being fixed - I can't fix it! When I make a mistake and it hurts someone else, or if I see someone hurting themselves, I have to allow that person to experience the situation without trying to usher it through to a flowery end. I tried for a huge chunk of my previous marriage to Orlando. When I finally realized the sick pattern I was allowing to develop, I was more than eager to run.

I've learned that if I seek to enable, I am loving that person or situation more than I love God.

Praise God that he is now putting me in situations that is confronting this problem and He is fixing it in my life. I have moved leaps and bounds from the fear of avoiding conflict at all costs. He is currently urging me to be tougher with BJ who is failing Spanish. I may have to take everything away in order for him to get the message, work harder and pull up his grades. Matthew and Alex sometimes display these attitudes that I am not always consistent in correcting. At those times strong consecquences need to be experienced and sometimes I don't allow them. "Leniency is never loving." Sometimes having a false sense of acceptance and peace from my children meets my need to be accepted; yuck! The result of doing my job (which may need to be holding their feet to the fire), may result in anger and avoidance, but I will have the father's approval and support. I will always have HIs love.

Sometimes I walk through a false sense of peace in a friendship - I have to be brave to say what I am really feeling to make peace and not just try to keep the peace. It could mean an end in the friendship which God may have only allowed, for a season. My job would then be to just release it, and let it go. I may have to say no and limit my time with friends who are a bit toxic, who misrepresent who I am. I will be healthy and free. I desire freedom more than these chains.

The greatest thing I look forward to in all this is the growth in insight and wisdom, that only comes with obedience.

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