Saturday, March 14, 2009

Fallen Petals

Eight years ago, I fled the cold, congested, and busy confines of New York City to embrace the warmth of Charlotte County, Florida. The move brought me closer to my parents who provided refuge from an emotionally abusive marriage. I made a series of poor decisions that introduced me to unwed motherhood at the age of 18. What led to those decisions?

I grew up a Haitian American; an only girl with three brothers living in the Bronx. My parents sacrificed a great deal to live out their dreams through their children. My dreams were lost in my need to please others, I was raised to think this way. Fear was also a major anchor that kept me from joining clubs and getting involved in extra curricular activities, during my high school years. I did manage to allow distractions from TV shows and romance novels, that injected me with false perceptions of what relationships would offer me. I delighted myself with daydreaming. I was hungry, for love; didn't want to wait, and thought I knew it all. I gave it all to the first young man who showed an interest in me. Early pregnancy at the age of 16 scared me to death, and compelled me to shed innocent blood. I was guilty and forged a coverup, the birth of my first son BJ at the age of 18. It didn't take away my pain, or heal my broken relationship, because it happened again, in my early twenties. (To give honor to my children and share details of the descructive power of abortion, and my redemption, read "Amara and Jonathan", which I will publish soon.)

I did not know how valuable my life was then. I grew up as a people pleaser with very little self worth. Deep depression overwhelmed me as I could not fix my gaze in front of me; I continued to look back, repeatedly reminding myself of my past mistakes. This self destructive behavior paralyzed me for many years. While I was a student attending a community college in the Bronx, I majored in Nursing until I participated in the clinical portion of the program. I realized early on, that I had no desire to be involved in the medical field, my parents choice.

I married a man who was much like me, insecure and afraid; unfortunately his fears manifested itself in explosive, controlling, and tyrannical behavior. Two wonderful boys came from that marriage to add to my first son who is extraordinary as well. I can only thank God for lifting me out of my depression, and releasing me from an unbearable existence, for myself and my children. Although the divorce was finalized nearly two years ago, I have forgiven my husband. I have confidence that no matter what I go through, I have a God that can see me through it. My ten year pause from education brought me to Edison State College where I recently earned an Associate of Arts degree. From there I hope to transfer into a program with a major in journalism. I also have a passion for counseling.

I have a second chance at life now. God has changed the way I think. It is difficul raising three boys alone. It is my dream to not have to work long hours that keep me away from my boys. My goal in pursuing higher education is to gain independence through journalism. As a free lance journalist I envision entries in newspapers and magazines, which will further launch me into writing books and screen plays. I am not afraid to think big anymore. With God, ALL things are possible. I am excited about the opportunity I have to express myself through writing. I have reached a place in my life where I can look back at all the events of my past, and realize that I have a story to tell. There were many details that used to trouble me, so I feel a great sense of freedom in knowing that the lessons I learned may serve to encourage others who may be going through similar experiences.

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