Sunday, September 6, 2009
Release - To let go
Release - one of Matthew's vocabulary words last week. That week symbolized an end to much of what has been the cause of no blog time; no inclination to write.
My mind had been consumed on again, off again with a man who I thought embodied the complete package - the list I had created, for God of who my husband would be. Saved, humble, handsome, kind, artistic... I was in hog heaven. I never had much conversation; just shared hello's and he would give me what I thought was "the look," - the basis for all the stories I created inside. Courtship, engagement, marriage, family - I was a mess. There really was no reciprocal feelings. I just assumed every shy glance meant this man was waiting on the Lord's time to reveal his stored up interest in me. I blame the movie, "Love Comes Softly."
I would stare at this man and his eyes always avoided mine; I'd enter a room and he would usually walk out. My deceitful heart did not take this at face value. It said, "he is self controlled and alert, girl." So, the infatuation continued. I began to realize, as much as I was enjoying all these "happy" thoughts, my heart was not longing for God more than the fantasy. I had allowed this to distract me - my heart was almost stolen away from the Lord who is crazy in love with me! I began asking several ladies to pray, secretly wishing the outcome would be that it was my destiny to have this guy. God was allowing me to be consumed, because He has chosen him to be the one. Yeah! I couldn't wait to introduce him to all my sisters to approve.
The heart is deceiful above all things, and God is faithful. He always side swipes me when he rescues me. The rescue; the answer, comes in a way that I would have never perceived.
Me and the boys were on our way to the Rays Spring Training stadium to watch the Charlotte Stonecrabs play. A song called "Forgiven and Loved" played throughout the day on the local Christian station. I was captivated by the soulful laid back sound of this man's voice - the entire song reminded me of a summer afternoon. (If anyone knows me well, they know I am on an endless pursuit of lazy summer afternoons.) The guitar and drum beat gave the song this funky rhythmic groove - I loved it. "I tried and tried to rectify my hopeless situation; I bought the lie 'I still have work to do.' Now I'm working 9 - 5 like I can earn my own salvation, but there is no condemnation in you..." This was a Jason Mraz that was singing about something that made sense! I looked up Jimmy Needham on itunes and purchased the entire album. Playing it in the car for my kids was fun - we know the words to almost all the songs now. Two of the songs he penned for his bride Kelly. Still being in my lovestruck cloud of deception, I wanted to peruse his website to find out more about their relationship. Jimmy dedicated a section featuring Kelly's blog. As I read it, I was surprised. She didn't discuss what I was looking for-a romantic story to fantasize as being my someday story. She did reveal the true condition of my heart and I was lovingly side swiped. It was 12am on a Thursday night and I couldn't stop reading:
Kelly experienced this consumption with marriage, during her years in college. The list she formed and the details usurped the position that God wants to have in our lives. He wants us to be crazy about Him! I knew that I was losing the desire to have a whole heart - I just wanted a loved one with skin. I knew I needed to let go, tell God that I am leaving this area up to him and that I don't care anymore. The last part was hard. This misplaced hope and anticipation I had, was dangerous, it was my security, my comfort. What would I do or think about when I let this go? I cried, yet I felt so free. I emailed this precious link to the sisters who I asked to pray, so thankful that the Lord introduced me to great music and great teaching. I received a hard hitting reply from my dear sister Mia White; better yet, she is more my spiritual mom:
"Peggy, I know its hard to long for someone that you feel is out of reach. It is just a ploy of the enemy to keep us distracted and preoccupied. When the real thing comes along, there will be a fulfillment, not a constant longing for something that is not happening. I hope this helps you, it may not, but that has been my experience.
You deserve a great relationship and because women want relationships so badly, sometimes we let our imagination go wild on the wrong person. I know the Lord will help you and I will pray for your contentment and completion in Him and Him alone. He is the best mate you can ever have. When it is His timing for you, it will be mutual. Love, Mia"
Wow! It was direct and loving words that really settled it all for me. The Lord used her and it really helped me - that was Sunday. On Monday I was in need of a little bit more sealing of the deal. I don't know why, but I never looked at this man's hands, always his face. I saw a picture of him and noticed that on his left hand he was wearing a wedding ring! YIKES! I spent almost a year pining away for a married man????!!!! Well, I just had to laugh out loud. It was all I could do from crying. I kept thinking EMBARRASSING! I let this fester throughout the week, until I realized that I can't make "I'm so embarrassed" my confession. In my coming to the truth, and the Lord setting me straight the enemy wanted to bring shame and condemnation on me. Uh uh.. ain't about to let that happen.
"I'm growing." As I jogged at lunch all the songs on my ipod were perfect, for the process He was taking me through, "Complete", "Remember Surrender," were just a few of the songs that shared my freedom. As I set at my desk late Monday afternoon, I heard "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, nor mind has conceived what the Lord has prepared. But by His spirit He has revealed, his plan to those who love Him....Jeremiah 29:11 says, 'For I know the plans I have for you, declares Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.' That's our father's heart tonight, let's trust him with our lives with our future!" As I listened to Paul and Rita Baloche the tears silently streamed down. I felt the comfort of the Lord like a warm blanket. "I wasted so much time." The Lord is meeting me right here in my office. I feel a sadness, but its good. I have to mourn and let go of my shameful, fantasy thoughts. I missed out on the joy of the Lord; of Him being my everything.
"I'm growing." I realized that the enemy doesn't want me to write. He wants no captives to escape, and be set free. He locks up my words when I allow him to distract me. I remember the Lord telling me in March, "keep writing, just keep writing," during the time that I prayed for Danny Gokey to marry me (I won't even share that story). So satan attacks that weak area, and if I give attention to it, its like "what blog?," as I continue enjoying my day dreams.
"I'm growing." I realized that satan wants me to be ashamed and not be myself around this fellow. I need to be kind anyway. I felt the poor guy avoided me, because I probably gave away my heart with my eyeballs. I felt sorry for him, if I had been making him uncomfortable, so I thought the only feasible option would be to act mad and mean around him. But, then I would just seem psycho-so I'm gonna try not to act mad. I need to continue to build relationships which, by the way, has been grand. I want to immerse myself in the lives of others unlike me and hear from them. I need to reject that spirit of rejection and just go back without feeling shame. The Lord wants to use me. He loves me.
Digging my heels into this earth, wanting so much from man. My heart cry has become, "I'm so done with this toil. I'm tired; frustrated, at times. I'm tired. Yes! Come soon Lord Jesus! I never thought I'd feel that, but yes I want to see you. I want more and more of you." But, could I experience marriage again first?