Friend for BJ

I have been thinking of BJ just now. Was chatting with my friend Wanda. She shared something that made me reflect on BJ's current condition. The importance of having a friend that really hears - that really listens. Do you have someone in your life that you can bare your soul? Yes, the Lord can be your best friend, if you let him, but is there a physically, living, breathing, human being that you trust with what's in your heart? That person that won't cut you off with their practicality, or rush to smooth over your hurts, frustrations, and confusions with the typical phrase "I'm praying for you, trust the Lord." You know the drill, its what I call "listen, I've-got-no-time-to-listen-to-you,- so-I'll-wrap-this-conversation-up-right-now,-got-things-to-do," in disguise.

OK. So we didn't talk about that last part, but it sure has me thinking about BJ. (In fact, I suggested she write a blog about it). After the demise of my "mind affair," I was able to take notice of my son. There is so much in his life I know he doesn't feel he can talk to me about. I can understand that. It starts with being a woman. I don't even have to get to the part about occasionally exibiting control freakish behavior, and a little bit more of the same, and a little bit more.... OK, so I am working on that. Sometimes I just don't know when I'm being too over the top, or too lenient with him. At times I just laugh, because I know the Lord will have the final say and the enemy will not win. I find lots of relief in being able to do that - I really don't know what I'm doing. I'm sure it will be so much easier with Matthew and Alex as they come up into their young adulthood. I'm sad for BJ that he is the prototype of trial and error; learning the hard way with my son.

He needs to be around a man that can really understand him. Someone he is willing to open up to. His dad is not in a relationship with him. They hardly speak. There is so much that I can share with him that can help him, and encourage him, but remember - I'm a woman. That doesn't stop me from sharing and being there. Its these seeds being planted now that he will absorb later. I think about right now. There is a pastor that I met who would like to play basketball with BJ. I have heard wonderful things about him, and his story would allow BJ to connect with him - fast. He is an excellent teacher. I just need to get the ball rolling. There I go again. (Occasional control freak flare up - anxiety driven). God will put the time and place together. He hasn't forgotten. At least I am awake now. That glaze that satan dangled over my eyes is gone. I can pray for BJ.

Went to the library yesterday and picked up Quiet Strength, by Tony Dungy (), for BJ. I started reading it at the kitchen table last night; its written in a way that allows me to instantly can connect with his message. As (former) head coach of the Indianapolis Colts, he experienced huge trajedy in losing his oldest son to suicide, a year shy of his team winning the super bowl. Through that experience he was able to put together a book about what it takes to be a real hero.

BJ has huge dreams, and I believe God puts certain desires in our hearts, so we can look to Him for them. He loves to bless us with our hearts desire (when it lines up with what he has for us). I believe BJ can be a great basketball or football player that God can use to fulfill His plans. I believe his shyness can become God's boldness. He will be courageous, fearless, honest, and consumed with power; BJ's continual access to the Father will reap just that. I believe this book will spark a desire to do that. I have been prompted to get it, for the past two years; its time I obeyed.

He just needs to start reading it.

Release - To let go

Release - one of Matthew's vocabulary words last week. That week symbolized an end to much of what has been the cause of no blog time; no inclination to write.

My mind had been consumed on again, off again with a man who I thought embodied the complete package - the list I had created, for God of who my husband would be. Saved, humble, handsome, kind, artistic... I was in hog heaven. I never had much conversation; just shared hello's and he would give me what I thought was "the look," - the basis for all the stories I created inside. Courtship, engagement, marriage, family - I was a mess. There really was no reciprocal feelings. I just assumed every shy glance meant this man was waiting on the Lord's time to reveal his stored up interest in me. I blame the movie, "Love Comes Softly."

I would stare at this man and his eyes always avoided mine; I'd enter a room and he would usually walk out. My deceitful heart did not take this at face value. It said, "he is self controlled and alert, girl." So, the infatuation continued. I began to realize, as much as I was enjoying all these "happy" thoughts, my heart was not longing for God more than the fantasy. I had allowed this to distract me - my heart was almost stolen away from the Lord who is crazy in love with me! I began asking several ladies to pray, secretly wishing the outcome would be that it was my destiny to have this guy. God was allowing me to be consumed, because He has chosen him to be the one. Yeah! I couldn't wait to introduce him to all my sisters to approve.

The heart is deceiful above all things, and God is faithful. He always side swipes me when he rescues me. The rescue; the answer, comes in a way that I would have never perceived.

Me and the boys were on our way to the Rays Spring Training stadium to watch the Charlotte Stonecrabs play. A song called "Forgiven and Loved" played throughout the day on the local Christian station. I was captivated by the soulful laid back sound of this man's voice - the entire song reminded me of a summer afternoon. (If anyone knows me well, they know I am on an endless pursuit of lazy summer afternoons.) The guitar and drum beat gave the song this funky rhythmic groove - I loved it. "I tried and tried to rectify my hopeless situation; I bought the lie 'I still have work to do.' Now I'm working 9 - 5 like I can earn my own salvation, but there is no condemnation in you..." This was a Jason Mraz that was singing about something that made sense! I looked up Jimmy Needham on itunes and purchased the entire album. Playing it in the car for my kids was fun - we know the words to almost all the songs now. Two of the songs he penned for his bride Kelly. Still being in my lovestruck cloud of deception, I wanted to peruse his website to find out more about their relationship. Jimmy dedicated a section featuring Kelly's blog. As I read it, I was surprised. She didn't discuss what I was looking for-a romantic story to fantasize as being my someday story. She did reveal the true condition of my heart and I was lovingly side swiped. It was 12am on a Thursday night and I couldn't stop reading:

http://www.jimmyneedham.com/kellyspage.php

Kelly experienced this consumption with marriage, during her years in college. The list she formed and the details usurped the position that God wants to have in our lives. He wants us to be crazy about Him! I knew that I was losing the desire to have a whole heart - I just wanted a loved one with skin. I knew I needed to let go, tell God that I am leaving this area up to him and that I don't care anymore. The last part was hard. This misplaced hope and anticipation I had, was dangerous, it was my security, my comfort. What would I do or think about when I let this go? I cried, yet I felt so free. I emailed this precious link to the sisters who I asked to pray, so thankful that the Lord introduced me to great music and great teaching. I received a hard hitting reply from my dear sister Mia White; better yet, she is more my spiritual mom:

"Peggy, I know its hard to long for someone that you feel is out of reach. It is just a ploy of the enemy to keep us distracted and preoccupied. When the real thing comes along, there will be a fulfillment, not a constant longing for something that is not happening. I hope this helps you, it may not, but that has been my experience.

You deserve a great relationship and because women want relationships so badly, sometimes we let our imagination go wild on the wrong person. I know the Lord will help you and I will pray for your contentment and completion in Him and Him alone. He is the best mate you can ever have. When it is His timing for you, it will be mutual. Love, Mia"

Wow! It was direct and loving words that really settled it all for me. The Lord used her and it really helped me - that was Sunday. On Monday I was in need of a little bit more sealing of the deal. I don't know why, but I never looked at this man's hands, always his face. I saw a picture of him and noticed that on his left hand he was wearing a wedding ring! YIKES! I spent almost a year pining away for a married man????!!!! Well, I just had to laugh out loud. It was all I could do from crying. I kept thinking EMBARRASSING! I let this fester throughout the week, until I realized that I can't make "I'm so embarrassed" my confession. In my coming to the truth, and the Lord setting me straight the enemy wanted to bring shame and condemnation on me. Uh uh.. ain't about to let that happen.

"I'm growing." As I jogged at lunch all the songs on my ipod were perfect, for the process He was taking me through, "Complete", "Remember Surrender," were just a few of the songs that shared my freedom. As I set at my desk late Monday afternoon, I heard "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, nor mind has conceived what the Lord has prepared. But by His spirit He has revealed, his plan to those who love Him....Jeremiah 29:11 says, 'For I know the plans I have for you, declares Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.' That's our father's heart tonight, let's trust him with our lives with our future!" As I listened to Paul and Rita Baloche the tears silently streamed down. I felt the comfort of the Lord like a warm blanket. "I wasted so much time." The Lord is meeting me right here in my office. I feel a sadness, but its good. I have to mourn and let go of my shameful, fantasy thoughts. I missed out on the joy of the Lord; of Him being my everything.

"I'm growing." I realized that the enemy doesn't want me to write. He wants no captives to escape, and be set free. He locks up my words when I allow him to distract me. I remember the Lord telling me in March, "keep writing, just keep writing," during the time that I prayed for Danny Gokey to marry me (I won't even share that story). So satan attacks that weak area, and if I give attention to it, its like "what blog?," as I continue enjoying my day dreams.

"I'm growing." I realized that satan wants me to be ashamed and not be myself around this fellow. I need to be kind anyway. I felt the poor guy avoided me, because I probably gave away my heart with my eyeballs. I felt sorry for him, if I had been making him uncomfortable, so I thought the only feasible option would be to act mad and mean around him. But, then I would just seem psycho-so I'm gonna try not to act mad. I need to continue to build relationships which, by the way, has been grand. I want to immerse myself in the lives of others unlike me and hear from them. I need to reject that spirit of rejection and just go back without feeling shame. The Lord wants to use me. He loves me.

Digging my heels into this earth, wanting so much from man. My heart cry has become, "I'm so done with this toil. I'm tired; frustrated, at times. I'm tired. Yes! Come soon Lord Jesus! I never thought I'd feel that, but yes I want to see you. I want more and more of you." But, could I experience marriage again first?

Ha...Ha...

Relationships

It must have been a few days after my own high school graduation, that I attended my friend Hopey's. I miss Hope. I haven't talked to her in over eight years. I believe she still lives in New York. I first met Hope Elaine Lee in fourth grade, we shared the same class all the way to High School, where she attended Walton, a co ed public school in the Bronx. We danced together, auditioning for the Apollo and local talent shows. We called ourselves "bug-out partners." She's part of the Undercliff Crew too; her building was across the street and we walked to school together.

When I married my former husband, he really made it difficult for me to retain past friendships. Looking back of course, I allowed him to control this part of my life. I was isolated for a while. I'll never forget her birthday - March 15 "the Ides of March." I remembered a few years ago and sent a card, but didn't hear anything.

I'm lying on the bed, listening to the second Cd Miriam gave me. Pastor Todd Skeirik is now sharing about relationships. He shared the need to find people you can share a similarity or interest in common with and get together. Get to know each other. He spoke about how Jesus reclined in the home sinners. He ate with them. My own personal digging began...

I complain at times about the full time hours of work. Oh if I could stay home; how awesome. I'm working. I'm doing what I need, to care for my kids. How can I make the best out of this? The job is pretty cool, great people and home-like atmosphere. Its been almost three years that I worked for the Health Department and I have not made one friend that I connect with outside of work. I realized that I didn't miss it either. Pretty content jogging five days a week, alone with my ipod and the park. I am inspired by this message. This challenge to get to know others and go deeper than the superficial "hi, how ya doin', now-get-out-of-my-face-I-got-other-things-to-do" routine, has got me all excited.

I have been isolated too long and its time I start venturing out and getting to know more people. It will be two years since my divorce, already five years since we separated. I know I have been through a tremendous season of finding contentment in being alone, dealing with the loss of the hope of an intimate relationship. I didn't know how much I had shut out of my life until now. I am ready to be exposed, (not too deep) to others; just enough to listen and laugh with them. I will travel at lunch time at least once per week to the clinic and have lunch with the folks there. I will seek out a coworker who loves to knit and schedule a time for me to gain a few pointers; my crocheting is much better.

The recent tragic death of a coworkers husband, began this process in me. I didn't take the time to get to know her well, so when the death occurred I was a bit cautious in my approach. The interesting thing is that I recognized my connection to her story and her hurt. I felt it. I went to the funeral and pondered heavily over her situation. At times my emotions were churned up till it reached my forehead and would just stop there-no tears, yet I could feel them backed up inside. The Lord in His mercy allowed us to talk. I was so thankful for what she shared. To hear how she was coping and moving on, strengthened me. Listening awakened my own need to do relationships. I miss that. I almost want to cry when I think of all the time I missed not knowing that I was afraid of rejection and being hurt.

"Don't give up on your friends. When you find out something bad about them, don't give up on them. Also, be empowering; not controlling. Be like God; get to know people. Love them. Don't criticize them. Don't separate yourself from them. " Boy have I done that. Praise God that as long as I am still breathing, I can make changes. Hmmm.....

Listening to that Cd not only earned Gateway a permanent spot in my "Sites to See" section of this blog, but it has allowed me to sigh in awe. This is a huge scene in that work of art He has created in me. As I allow Him to, He is making me whole.

Facebook Fallacies

Tonight I am about to join the Facebook group called "Undercliff Crew". How cool. I will get to see all my old buddies from Undercliff Avenue, where I grew up. Facebook is such a great way to find and connect with people you have lost touch with.

I am now "friends" with nearly 3o of my old classroom buds from Cathedral High School. A few weeks ago, my fascination with Facebook turned into a habit I wanted to avoid. One night I began peering into the profiles of a few of these Cathedralites. Bachelor's degrees, Masters, Program Managers, Directors, blah, blah, blah... So many turned out to be so successful. I began to bemoan all my mistakes that started my senior year. No goals and a boyfriend kind of sums it up. I began feeling quite bummed. Its been 19 years and all I have is an Associates and I'm an assistant. My grades were good. I could have gone really far with my life. Look at what so and so is doing. This one lady wasn't very good looking in high school, but now? She's a knock out! Oh boy, and the self loathing continued. I didn't want to get on the Facebook anymore. It lost its appeal.

Miriam sent a few Cd's from her new church in Connecticut: Gateway Christian Fellowship. I am so glad she has found a church home. The new pastors shared their testimonies, and I listened to this Cd at work. I had been thinking this day of how I need to stop talking about my past and my testimony, because its getting old. Its time to share something new. Wow. That was not a word from the Lord at all - definitely the enemy. The encouragement I heard at the end of this message really blew me away. It spoke directly to me and what I was experiencing. Another piece of evidence of the reality of the love of God working in my life. This is what I heard...

"A testimony breaks down strongholds. In the book of Revelation it is by the blood and the power of our testimony that we come out overcomers; we have the victory. We are no longer victims. Your testimony encourages another. Your journey, your story, your testimony is power! Use it! Don't wish that you had someone else's life. God can use your life - your testimony. It is a powerful weapon in your hands, because you are not a victim; you have overcome. Use that gift of your story to further his kingdom. It encourages Gods people. It breaks down mindsets and tears down principalities. He is faithful. No matter what place you are in, God can teach you, stay open, He can use it. Don't disqualify yourself. Don't be discouraged. Thank God. Ask God to use your life. We need each other. We need each others story."

You know, I just wanted to shout right there in my seat; right in the middle of the office! I just shook my head and laughed. Today I realized that my problem wasn't Facebook, it was me. I am so rich in what the Lord has given me. There may be a few of those ladies who don't know the Lord, yet have an amazing portfolio. A relationship with God has so much more value than any degree; however, in this reality I will not put down their accomplishments. I am proud of what my friends have achieved. I admire young people who know their purpose and have goals, and set out to fulfill them.

I am who the bible says I am. I have what the bible says I have. I am His own special creation; unique. I am His work of Art. Don't have time to be trying to live someone else's life, or redo mine. Can't. Must move on. Praise God!